Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Tipping point

When I think back over these past 18+ months, and particularly the 15 months at home, I hardly remember the monitors.  Yes, I remember re positioning the lead wires, the little pads around their tiny chests, strapping it all together.  I remember trying to hide the wires during their monthly photo shoots.  I remember the struggle of determining if that alarm was really significant or if Warren had just shifted enough so the pad moved away from his body for a moment...did he actually quit breathing?  He looks okay, maybe I'll just go back to bed.... "BEEP BEEP BEEP" crap.  Maybe I was wrong, as I go running back to his room again.  Nope, he still looks fine, sleeping peacefully.  Maybe I'll just rest here in this chair.  And on and on it went.  Apparently I remember more than I thought I did because, as I sat down to write this, I thought I would have a brief sentence to write.  But it's not in the forefront of my mind, just seems like a distant memory.

Regardless, it requires much thought about the monitors before I remember them.  I definitely remember those colic nights, but not so much the hassle of Warren and Dean hooked up to their bulky heart monitors for, wait for it, 9 months and 6 days.  Eek.  That is a really long time, way longer than it seems.  Our break even point is now approaching: Friday.  Yep, Friday will be the day that Warren has been wire free exactly as long as he had his wires.  It's hard to imagine my little man, running downstairs, pushing his train or his shopping cart or anything that moves, laughing and giggling, as every being confined to such a small area by his lead wires.  God is truly amazing as I think over all these boys have been through and overcome.  It's hard to see little Warren's chest struggling to rise and fall in the NICU, fighting as his oxygen requirements continued to increase, watching the fear in his eyes as he fought to breath a few of those times.  A nightmare, really, to know your child is not getting what they need and to be so very helpless.  And yet I am in awe as these pictures scroll across our screen (Apple TV is really a lot of fun), these tiny little boys God has guarded and protected from the very beginning.  Sometimes I let myself get taken back there, to those early days, to the uncertainty.  Dean seems exactly the same to me - confident, moving full speed ahead, never afraid to try.  Warren, more timid and unsure, requiring a bit more time to get there before deciding to take a chance.  I love these boys so much and am so blessed to be their mother, to get to stay home with them, to get to teach them new and exciting things as they explore their world.

And so we are rapidly approaching what I believe will be the last of these "break even" points, times in their lives where something difficult, challenging, or simply a nuisance, becomes equal to the time without it.  Maybe isolation will be another one, but that's over 2 years before we get to a point where they will have been out of isolation as long as they were in.  Anyway, one more little moment to celebrate as we approach Friday and 9 months + 6 days of NO wires or monitors for these little guys!

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