And yet, I KNOW it to be true. I know I cannot rely on my emotions, which are fleeting and fickle. I have experienced first hand the glimmer of peace and hope that come from knowing Jesus. I know my suffering and the suffering of those around me is due to our broken world, a product of sin. It doesn't make it easier in these late hours when I can't seem to sleep, it doesn't make me feel better, but one day it will. One day it will all be better. But today? Today I'm allowing myself a few hours of anger before I have to pull it together for my children. Today, I'm allowing myself a moment to feel selfish and I grieve the loss of my dreams and plans. Tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Some days are just hard. Anymore, most days are hard, but some days are harder. I am only beginning to realize how much anger I have buried down deep. Here I am, closing in on 2 years later, and I just want to scream "why?!?" Why is life so hard? Why is our world so broken? Why do some people endure such heartache and loss while others move along, blissfully unaware of the hurt around them? I don't get it. It isn't fair. Or just. And it makes me question everything that has held me together in these past months. When does the agony end? How are God's plans greater than mine? I don't see his sovereignty right now. Or his goodness. I am completely overwhelmed by it all.