From another mother

I post something every year for Mother's Day.  Often it's simply an emotional outpouring of a very difficult day.  A day that, despite having living children now, is still filled with pain.  (don't worry...that post will still be coming at some point this weekend!)  I've started following a beautiful blog and I've learned that some are just way more talented at writing and communicating grace, peace, and love.  

Barren to Beautiful offers so many wonderful posts on the pain of infertility and trusting God through it all.  Though I am no "infertile," though I have children running through my house, the pain and sting of those years isn't gone by any means.  Anyway, all that to say, she has a wonderful post entitled "When the Barren Sing."  It's just beautiful, a great reminder that I wish I would have been able to read all those times I was crying out to God, feeling like something was wrong with and that I was failing as a woman.  Here is the link, and below are the words.  I couldn't write any summary that wouldn't take away from it, so you'll find the entire post below.  But please check out the whole blog and Rebecca's story.

I was looking for a parking space in a very crowded lot, when suddenly, near the front, a car pulled out in front of me. I quickly turned on my turn signal, eager to pull in, and whispered a prayer of thanks. But as I began to pull in, I read the sign nailed in front of that space: “Parking For Expectant Mothers ONLY.”

I hit the breaks. And just sat there for a moment, before shifting into reverse.

For Expectant Mothers ONLY.

Who knew a parking lot could be so cruel?

It was like I just got rejected from the Mommy Club. “No barren women allowed.”

The sign could have said: For women whose bodies work right. For women who have had their prayers answered. For women who have something to look forward to.

For women with something to expect.

I still remember it so well. That longing. That wanting to “expect” something. Or someone.

I used to walk through Barnes & Noble and see that giant “Parenting” section near the Children’s Books Department. And the rows and rows of “What To Expect” books.

And I remember the feeling that I had nothing to expect. 

“Because, I expected to be pregnant by now. I expected a lot of things. By now.”

But if you are barren today, I want you to know you have something to expect.

You have Someone to expect.

And He is Almighty God. And He’s coming for you.

My prayer for you today is that you would know His love, and know His nearness, and know His mercy. Because He just wants to pour it out on you like never before.

I know Mother’s Day is just around the corner. And the sting of infertility can become sharper than ever. But God has a message for you this Mother’s Day. He says:

“Sing, O barren, you who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,” says the LORD.” Isaiah 54:4

“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.” Isaiah 54:13

“For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has mercy on you.” Isaiah 54:10

“O you afflicted one, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, and lay your foundations with sapphires.” Isaiah 54:11

First He tells you to sing. And then, He gives you the reasons to sing.

And they are:

1. Because you will not be ashamed.

2. You will not be disgraced.

3. You will forget the shame of your youth.

4. My kindness will not depart from you.

5. My covenant of peace will not be removed from you.

6. I’m going to comfort you and lay a foundation for you. In precious stones.

He’s saying everything you have grieved, all your sorrow, all your disappointment, all your despair—I’m going to remove it. And I’m going to redeem you. I’m going to redeem your life. I’m going to be a Husband to you. I’m going to pour out my mercy on you, and show you everlasting kindness.

Now that is something to expect.

See, God knows better than anyone, exactly how you feel in this moment. Can you hear His tender love here? “O you afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold I will lay your stones with colorful gems, and lay your foundations with sapphires.” Isaiah 54:11

He’s saying: I am with you! I am for you! And as long as you put your trust in Me, you will NEVER be disappointed!

So, sing barren one! Break forth into singing and cry aloud!

You were not meant to be silent. You were not called to pine away in despair. You were made to sing, lift up your voice, because of God. And because of His mercy and everlasting kindness He pours out on you.

I hope that there is this sound across the land, the song of the barren women, lifting up their voices. Shouting for joy. And singing louder than anyone in their churches this Mother’s Day. And when they think of Him, when they think of His love, tears fill their eyes. Because He is closer now than ever before.

Because when the barren sing, something powerful happens. When the barren sing, the darkness trembles. When barren sing, Satan shudders. When the barren sing, the silence is broken. Despair and heaviness leave. Emptiness becomes full. Dead places become alive. Hardened hearts turn to flesh. Clenched fists, open wide in surrender with joy, joy, joy.

Laughter is restored. Like the sun warming your skin. And hope. And peace. And rest in the Holy Spirit.
When the barren sing, heaven breaks through.

So sing. 

“My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him.” Psalm 62:5

And He’s coming to take all your shame, and fear, and sadness, and sighing, and make it flee away. Forever.

Sharing our stories

I have been so blessed to be able to share our stories of infertility, loss, and raising preemies.  There is so much online support and a sense of community with other moms who have experienced stillbirth and extended NICU stays.

Warren & Dean were featured on the Bee Mighty page (charity that provides therapy services) for several months this summer, along with an interview detailing our entire story.  It's long, and rambling as is my nature, but it's copied into the end of this post.  An abbreviated version can be found here on Rockstar Preemies, a great site for all you preemie mamas to get some encouragement and hear other's stories!

Meghan, let’s start at the beginning. Tell us about the beginning of your journey to have a child and first learning you were pregnant.

Andrew and I were married just after finishing up at Clemson before I went on to get my degree in Physical Therapy.  From the beginning of our marriage, I couldn’t wait to have children.  I loved what I was studying, loved being able to help people, but my heart always longed for my own children.  So, shortly after finishing up school, we decided to try to start a family.  So much in life had been easy and right on track with my plan, I never imagined I wouldn’t get pregnant right away.  So, when that first month came and went, I was shocked when I wasn’t pregnant.  Another month came and went.  Then another.  After a year, I saw my OB who said “sometimes these things take time,” referred me for a test to make sure my tubes were open, and that was about it.  Nearly 6 months later, I finally ended up at REACH where I was promptly (and accurately) diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis and ovarian cysts.  I had surgery a few weeks later, and thought that would fix everything.  It didn’t.  We prayed, and decided to finally move forward with IVF.  Everything went relatively smoothly, and I ended up with several embryo.  Then, I was put on hormones to induce menopause as the endometriosis had returned.  We finally did our first transfer right at 2 years after the start of this journey.   Waiting to hear for 10 days was the longest 10 days I could imagine.  I remember sitting by the pool, phone in hand, waiting for the news.  And when she told me my HcG number, I was ecstatic.  There was a sense of disbelief, an awe that I was growing 2 tiny human beings inside of me.  I felt so incredibly blessed!

As much as you are comfortable, tell us about learning you were pregnant with Reagan, your pregnancy, birth and the time you shared with her.

Reagan was a twin.  I lost her brother very early, by 7 weeks.  It was such a bittersweet moment, to see our remaining child but feel the ache at our loss.  We felt very blessed, though, to have a healthy daughter hanging out in there, bobbing her head side to side.  I still remember that ultrasound very clearly.  Moving forward from there, it was a fairy normal pregnancy.  I had horrible morning sickness which lasted all day until about 18 weeks or so.  It was miserable, yet a wonderful reminder of the miracle we had prayed about for so long.  I started feeling her kick by about 16 weeks, Andrew felt her by 18.  I had some spotting throughout my first trimester which is apparently normal for IVF pregnancies with the hormones you are on.  Once, at 11 weeks, I felt like it was more than spotting and we rushed to the ER.  By the time we got there, it had stopped.  Ultrasound revealed everything looked great and I was sent home.  We breathed a sigh of relief at 14 weeks, as we were into the “safe” zone.  I never felt her kick on a regular basis; she was always changing positions so sometimes I could really feel her and other times I think she must have been kicking at organs or something.  So, I never thought anything of it when I didn’t feel her kick for a day at 21 weeks.  What I did notice was that I had lost a significant amount of weight, seemingly overnight.  Must be all the fluid that had accumulated in my ankles, I thought.  But, just to ease my mind, I made an appointment with the OB and stopped by there after work.  I saw a new doctor who measured me and said it looked good.  Then he said “Let’s just listen real quick.” He couldn’t find a heartbeat on the Doppler.  My heart stopped.  I was rushed to another room for ultrasound, and there it was.  The image that is forever burned in my mind.  My sweet Reagan’s beautiful profile, perfect little hands and feet, and empty chest.  There was no heartbeat.  I sobbed uncontrollably.  I don’t remember much of the next 2 hours.  I called Andrew to come down to meet me.  We drove to a specialist office when I had bloodwork and an amnio done.  And I was told to arrive at the hospital the next morning to be induced.  We spent that night sleeping in Reagan’s nursery, the only night she ever got to spend in there.  The next morning, I was induced at 7am.  16 hours of labor and she was born at 11:16PM.  Our amazing doctor looked up at me after, with tears in his eyes, and said “She’s just perfect.” I was able to hold her that night, and it was the most wonderful thing.  There was so much joy, something no one could possibly understand without going through something similar.  I loved her so much better, fuller, after seeing her and having that connection.  We were able to hold her for several hours, rock to her, read her some of our favorite Bible passages and stories, sing to her, etc.  It was the most precious time, those few hours we got to spend with our first born.  And then, a sweet woman from the funeral home came and took her away in a basket.  Laying her in that basket, with her blanket wrapped around her, seeing her face for what would be the very last time, nearly broke my heart.  It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

What is the grey leaf on the hospital door?

When there is infant loss, a grey leaf is placed on the door.  It’s a universal sign for everyone who comes in the door to know to act appropriately.  Our anesthesiologist didn’t see the leaf and came bouncing in, asking Andrew if he was ready to be a dad.  Ouch.  The leaf is put up to prevent these occurrences.  It is apparently used across the country with stillborn children or infant death on the maternity floor.

How did you manage the grief, then find the courage to try for another baby?

It is only because of God, His grace and peace that I was able to manage.  I found so much comfort in studying and learning about heaven and knowing my baby girl was there.  I knew that Reagan was loved and not longing for anything.  I felt broken, but there was no better place for my daughter to be, and no better father than our Heavenly Father.  Because we had such a tough time conceiving due to my endometriosis and cysts, and because Reagan healed that completely, we prayfully moved forward with another transfer just a few months later.  Everything fell perfectly in line, from no signs of endo or cysts, to hormone and blood levels being just right.  A few more tests to make sure everything had healed, and we were set!  This second time, the emotions of excitement and anticipation shifted more toward dread and discouragement, but God proved bigger than all of that. 

Tell us about learning you and Andrew were pregnant with twins!

I snuck and took a pregnancy test the night before my blood test was scheduled at the doctors, so we celebrated God’s goodness that night.  My blood tests were high again this time, likely indicating twins again.  When we finally made it to the ultrasound a few weeks later, my heart was pounding.  Again, I was expecting the worst.  But there on that picture were two perfectly beating hearts.  We were so excited!  Terrified, hesitant to get attached, but so very excited!  We called our families on the drive home and shared our wonderful news. 

How did you balance your excitement and hope against your fear?

If I’m honest, I’d say most of my pregnancy was spent in fear.  From the very beginning, shortly after than initial ultrasound, I had a lot of pain.  I kept telling Andrew something was wrong, kept going back to the doctor for more ultrasounds, only to be reassured everything was good.  We tried to be excited, but I wasn’t ready to do much planning until much later in the pregnancy.  And then, at 8 weeks, I started hemorrhaging while at work.  I was rushed up to my doctor’s office and sat there, waiting for what I thought was going to be the end.  But they continued to thrive.  I was hospitalized the following day for a week, was told my water broke by my nurse, and yet my boys were good.  At 11 weeks, the specialist told us I would be miscarrying any day because of the size of the intrauterine clot.  I felt hopeless, but God continued to protect our miracles.  And then, I went into labor at 20 weeks and staying in the hospital for the rest of the pregnancy.  I didn’t know it at the time, but the OB on call told me later he stayed there sure I would be delivering another child (or children, in this case) that wouldn’t survive.  He was the doctor who did the ultrasound when we learned Reagan passed as well, so he was familiar with our history.  I let a lot of the fear and scary statistics cloud over my pregnancy.  But each ultrasound, each time I saw those precious little faces, the joy and excitement came rushing back.

I love how you often refer to moms as 'Hope Mommies' what does that mean to you?

Hope Mommies is actually an amazing Christian organization that provides support to mothers after infant loss.  Our hope is not in this world, but in our future home, where we know our children are now.  I have hope as a mommy because I know my story with Reagan is not over, I will get to spend eternity with her.  It’s the only way I was able to begin healing after we said goodbye.  Because it is not a forever goodbye. 

Prior to the boys being born, how familiar were you with the NICU?

I was actually fairly familiar with the NICU before the boys were born.  I am a physical therapist and at one time thought I wanted to work in pediatrics.  During that rotation, I spent several days in the Presbyterian Hemby NICU.  I remember seeing those tiny babies and wondering how moms could handle it.  Once I landed myself in the hospital for the second time, I had several consults with the neonatologists about what to expect, particularly when I hit that 23-24 week mark.  I also had plenty of time to learn about what sort of breathing difficulties, treatments, long term effects prematurity may have.  And each week I laid there, the stats got a little better. 

Tell us about the birth of your mighty boys and meeting them for the first time.

I had been having strong contractions for just over a week.  These were managed with indocin, procardia, daily shots of terbutaline, and occasionally pain meds.  On Thursday night they ramped up significant enough that they moved me to labor and delivery on Friday morning.  My contractions promply slowed back down.  I remember telling my mom that these boys were like the kids who cried wolf…and every time things looked like it was the end, they changed their minds and calmed back down.  I don’t know how many times the NICU was contacted and told to prepare for my twins, at least 4 that I know of…  By Friday afternoon I thought I was stable enough to leave and go back to my old room, so I requested to be sent back to my more comfortable bed with all my belongings.  As soon as I got back there, the contractions kicked back up, of course.  Another night was spent with me gripping the bed rails and focusing on breathing.  Saturday was more of the same.  I called the nurse to request my daily terb shot, but my heart rate was too high for the dose.  My OB was called and he came in to look at me.  He said I didn’t look good.  A pelvic exam revealed that I was now 5 cm dilated.  He looked at me and calmly said, “you’ve done all you could.  It’s time.  I’m going to take these boys by section tonight.”  We cried, it was too soon.  26 weeks, 6 days.  I hadn’t even reached the 3^rd trimester yet.  And then I was put on a magnesium drip and completely lost touch with reality, which might have been the very best thing for me at the time.  Just 2 hours later, we were in the OR.  Warren Andrew Savant was born first, 7:54, and came out screaming.  I was amazed, as I didn’t expect to hear much of anything.  But he screamed for that full 30 seconds of delayed clamping.  Next came Dean, 7:55, also screaming.  Andrew said they looked great, sounded great, were bigger than he thought.  And I sent him with our boys while I was stitched back up and waiting in recovery.  I got to see them sometime around 11 when I was wheeled through the NICU in my bed.  They were beautiful.  I was so amazed at how big they were!  Each weighed 2 lb 5 oz.  Their faces were obscured by the bubble and tubes, but they looked amazing.  I was in love.  There is nothing like seeing your child for the first time, especially these children who were never supposed to survive. 

How long before you or Andrew could hold your boys?

I was blessed and able to hold Dean for the first time the day after he was born.  From the beginning, he was the stronger twin, and our night nurse thought we needed that after our journey.  I was terrified…what if I broke him?  What if he wasn’t ready?  She gently laid him on my chest and it was the most amazing feeling ever.  Even now, I have tears streaming down my face as I recall that first moment.  I was able to touch him, hold him, kiss him.  Melted my heart.  The following night I was able to hold Warren, and same thing, just an instant bond.  A sense that everything was right, that this was what I was created for.  To love my children.  Warren had a little more trouble recovering afterward, so he rested for another day.  Andrew was able to hold him 2 days after I did.  (My sweet husband thought I needed to hold them both first and was content to just wait until I had experienced those first moments).  He held Dean the following day.  There were many days in those early weeks when we would spend all day sitting next to the isolette, from the time Andrew dropped me off around 7:30, until we left in the evenings at 8 or so, when we wouldn’t be able to touch them at all.  But we were very blessed in those first days to have contact.

How long did you call the NICU home and tell us about the day you brought your boys home!

We called the NICU home for a total of 87 days.  Dean came home first at 77 days.  It was a bittersweet moment.  We couldn’t wait to have Dean with us, but it broke my heart to leave Warren behind, to separate them.  We spent that whole day up there with both of them, holding Warren and feeling a lot like I was about to abandon him.  But he was supposed to be coming home a few days later, so it would be okay.  I sat in the back with Dean on the drive home, kept waiting for his apnea monitor to go off.  But nope, everything went smoothly.  I felt a little lost to have him in our home after so many weeks and never being alone with him.  I remember sitting in the rocking chair upstairs in their nursery, holding him tight and never wanting to let go.  He was really an easy baby…took his bottle quickly, burped, and fell right back asleep.  If I didn’t have to pump, I would have been well rested during that time.  Warren’s discharge got pushed back because of his reflux and bradys once, twice, yep, three times.  Andrew and I weren’t taking any chances so we decided to spend the last two nights there.  I took the second night.  When the doctor came in for his daily exam, he asked me if there was anything he could do for me one last time.  I said, “you could send us home now.”   He looked at Warren’s chart, looked at me, and said “I don’t see why not.”  Eeek!  I was ecstatic!  I called Andrew to pack up Dean, bring the carseat, and get us out of here.  We loaded up a huge cartload of all our belongings, and we were out the door!  Our NICU was really our home for those three months, but a home we couldn’t wait to leave!  My boys were reunited, we had them both home, and it was a glorious day.  The next several weeks were spent with little to no sleep as we tried to balance having two home, monitors, reflux, etc, but it was so wonderful.

You write a beautiful blog that documents your family's struggle with in infertility, loss and miracles. Tell us how you started writing and how you are healing and helping others through your blog.   http://meghansavant.blogspot.com)

I started my blog after 2 years of frustration with infertility.  It was a topic that just isn’t discussed in society, a taboo subject.  I had very few people who knew we were trying to conceive, much less all we had already been through without results.  I needed an outlet where I could rant without making people feel awkward, as the topic often does.  I also felt as though there had to be a reason we were going through this, some reason why we weren’t getting pregnant when it should be so easy.  I wanted to look back (hopefully with a child in my arms) and see how God had answered our prayers.  So, I started blogging.  I kept it private for a good 5 months, just me and my thoughts.  Once I was pregnant with Reagan, I shared it on Facebook.  I thought the more personal stuff would be done, my emotional rants would be over, and I could just share some belly pics and updates.  Little did I know, my emotional rants were just starting and my grief would be laid out for all to see.  It has been so amazing to see how God has used the blog, our experiences, and particularly Reagan to bring healing and hope to some.

How do you find time to write to inspire others, take care of your boys, do therapy and (work?)?

I don’t get to write as much as I’d like to as there are just not enough hours in the day.  I have an amazing husband who helps with the boys whenever he is home, calms me down when I feel like I am about to lose it, and helps me get everything done in the evenings.  I don’t know how I would do it without him.  My boys are now almost 1 (wow!) and finally getting the nap thing down, giving me a little more time.  I did quit my job while on bed rest, so I am taking a break from working for now.  I hope to go back one day, at least part time, but it doesn’t seem to be possible right now.  They now have therapy 2-3 times per week, but everyone comes here to the house.  And at this age, it is just like an extra hand to help in the afternoon as we play.  The boys love it.

Last year, we were honored to meet you personally when you attended the Bee Something for Bee Mighty event. Your boys had just graduated from the NICU and I believe it was one of the first times you had left the boys. Tell us why this event was important for you.

It was our very first time leaving the boys.  I had to pump on the drive there and on the way home.  And I changed my mind about 15 times that week about whether I would go or not.  But, it is such a great charity.  As a PT, I know the insurance side of things, how limiting companies are with regard to OT, PT, speech.  And that all the alternative medicines aren’t covered at all.  I also know how quickly that adds up.  With twin, twice as fast.  We had no idea at that point if our boys would ever need services, but I’ve seen firsthand how much an impact therapies can have in the life of a child.  And I wanted to support the organization, as a professional and as a mother.

Have your boys needed therapy to date? What has your experience been?

Our boys have visits with their early interventionist regularly, who they love.  She has been great at giving me ideas for new toys, new games, and other learning activities.  I know what their gross motor skills should be at each age, but have no idea with fine motor or speech.  She has been a huge asset with that.  Warren has just started speech for moderately delayed receptive/expressive speech.  Thankfully, they both love their foods, so that portion isn’t needed.  They are both having their first OT visit this afternoon!  So far, we’ve loved everyone who has come to the house, they are all great with our boys, and explain things well.  We are early in the process of therapy.

Boys are busy! Tell us about your beautiful boys today and just a year out of the NICU.

Yes, boys are busy!  They are now moving everywhere – crawling, cruising, pushing their little walker toy.  They love their classic toys – cups, rings, rattles – and books.  We are finally sleeping through the night and taking 2 short naps.  Our boys are so incredibly different.  Warren is more contemplative and calculated, he thinks about how he’s going to do something, and then he just does it.  Dean has no fear and is our risk taker, he attempts to do things long before he’s ready and keeps trying until he gets it.  They are just starting to play together a bit, which is just a joy to see.

Do you have any encouraging words for other Moms walking a similar journey – through hope, loss and miracles?

You think your life is over when you experience loss as great as losing a child.  I often wondered how I would get out of bed, much less get through the day.  But it does get better.   For me, it was a combination of prayer, trust, and time that helped to heal.  But, under it all, the pain is always there.  I think it’s important to continue to talk about your child with those who will understand.  With the NICU, nurses kept telling me there are no kindergarteners in there.  They do graduate.  It seemed like we were in there forever.  There are scary moments.  But, my advice would be to embrace it.  All the stress, worry, self pity doesn’t change the fact that your child is in the NICU.  And, we had so many wonderful memories in there.  Once they were off the CPAP, I was able to hold them far longer than I get to at home.  There is no laundry, cooking, cleaning to be done while in the NICU…time can be devoted 100% to your child.  I was able to actually spend more time with my boys while they were in the NICU, whether I was just sitting there near them or later able to hold them.  I’d also recommend keeping a journal there under their isolette so you can jot down each little milestone.  Nothing formal, but it’s all a huge blur when you leave.  I wanted to remember everything – first diaper change, first poop, first bath, first time I saw their eyes, first time they didn’t brady during an assessment, etc.  There are so many more reasons to celebrate with our NICU babies!

Some things that sting

As a women who has endured infertility, loss, and sick infants, there are a handful of things that people say without a care in the world that really get to me.  Today, it's been both of these, right around the same time.  So I'm choosing to vent while my children sleep peacefully and their baby food is simmering.

#1. "We're going to start a family" or "our firstborn made us a family."  I used to say that all the time, we tried to start a family.  But, as time went on, I realized that Andrew and I were very much family already.  We loved each other, were committed to each other, traveled together, shared our hopes and dreams, and shared a name.  I'm not sure how having a child would make us more of a family.  But to those of us who can't conceive, who wait years for that child, it makes us feel as though something is inherently wrong with us.  Trust me, the guilt is already there on a regular basis, questioning everything, and this phrase only adds to the pain.  Particularly for those women (and men) who are suffering silently.

#2. We don't care what gender as long as it's healthy.  Heard this one while watching the Bachelorette (oh my goodness, I can't believe I just admitted to watching that trash...it's my guilty pleasure. And embarrassing...)  It's the first time I've heard that since the boys were born, but I used to hear it all the time when pregnant and never thought anything of it.  Who knows, I may have said it once in my life.  Of course we all want our children to be healthy.  No one wishes for a sick child.  No one wants to see their children struggle to breath, surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses, hooked up to machines, faces obscured by tubes.  Of course not.  But again, this statement stings to those of us who have had babies who are not "healthy."  I wouldn't change a second of Reagan's existence, however short it was, and this just casts her aside.  I cherish those early months in the NICU, extra time I got to spend with my boys, time so many women never get, celebrating countless milestones most take for granted.  Our journey has not been easy, but I wouldn't trade what we have and where we are today for "healthy."  Do I wish Warren & Dean didn't have their medical issues? Absolutely.  Would I like to be able to take them in public during the fall, winter, or early spring?  You bet (especially this year as they are "big boys" now!) Would I like to hold Reagan in my arms every day, watch her laugh and play?  Of course.  But God has used each of these difficulties, these "unhealthy" children, in my life, in Andrew's life, in others' lives.

I know nobody means any harm when these statements are said.  I know nothing was directed at me personally.  I'm sure I offended women at one time with these very statements.  So I'm just putting it out there for those who are tempted to "start a family" with their "healthy" child.  It's picture perfect, but when it doesn't work out like we dream, the statements dig just a bit.

Waiting

The week is finally here...by the end of this week we will likely have some news!!  I am always just a little behind with the schedule of things (the one thing my doctor is really lacking is telling me what is coming up next) but I heard a rumor I would know by Friday.  So that is what I am counting on.  Less than one week :)  So I am excited now, crying this morning, and all emotions imaginable in between.  Whew, what a journey this is.  But God knows what He is doing, and what I am supposed to learn, and won't give me more than I can handle.  I say this as I am staring at the Hope bracelet I was given at church this morning, knowing it will stay on my wrist as a constant reminder of putting my hope in the Lord no matter the outcome.

I think our babies are probably some of the most prayed for babies in all of history.  And I love it.  As someone who is only recently beginning to understand prayer and God's power, I think that is such a wonderful thing.  And we are so appreciative of people checking in on us.  It is amazing how God knows exactly when I need some encouragement and right at that moment we get a phone call, text, or email from someone letting us know they are continuing to pray.  So please do continue to pray and know how much that means to us.

Cramps...

So, I was feeling so encouraged, optimistic, and hopeful for the first ~5 days of this very long waiting process.  And then the cramps hit.  I know what cramps mean...I've felt the heartbreak and frustration month after month each time I felt these symptoms.  The doctors say it doesn't mean anything this time - could just be a symptom of all the meds - but I am still very discouraged now.  I realize we don't actually know anything yet and God is in control.  Maybe the waiting is just getting to me.  My nurse called yesterday just to check on me and see how I was holding up.  She was right.  Apparently people fall apart around day 6.  I'm fitting right in! I keep waiting for some sign of pregnancy, but nothing.  I feel no different than last week, except now I have cramps.  And my butt is all bruised from the shots.  No nausea, no breast tenderness, no weird cravings.  Okay, so I realize it is a little unrealistic to expect to feel anything at this point, but still.  Some sign would be fantastic and put my mind at ease.  Though I suppose it wouldn't work on increasing my faith...Oh, is this always going to be so difficult??

:)

Everything went just perfectly on Friday.  We got to REACH, checked in, and got all settled while we waited for all the background stuff to finish.  In the procedure room, they showed us our two tiny little embryo and gave us a printout, which I just couldn't take my eyes off of.  This is just so amazing.  The embryologist said everything looked good - both survived the thaw and had good "cell masses" or something along those lines.  We got to watch as they put the embryo into the tube and then also as they transferred them into me.  Two little tiny specs on that big screen.  And then that was it.  All this build up, all this waiting, all this prayer, and it was over in a matter of seconds once the prep work was done.

And so, for the last 2 days, I have been lying on my back.  Alternating between the bed and the couch.  My excitement yesterday is  when I switched bathrooms to pee in.  Once even went downstairs!  I am not a great relaxer or someone who likes to just lie around, so this is a little frustrating for me...until I think about the why and then it's totally worth it.  Plus, getting all my meals made and brought up to me on a little tray is pretty nice.  Thanking God for a wonderful husband (and future wonderful father) who is taking such good care of me.

Tomorrow

So...tomorrow is the big day!  Can't believe we are here.  I feel like I should have some great insight, but really I am just feeling very drained.  I think too many emotions and too much riding on tomorrow I'm just starting to shut down.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited and grateful for where we are.  There's just a lot of stress and anxiety that comes with this.  Tonight could be the last night before I get pregnant...wow.

Lord, please be with us tomorrow as we undergo our transfer.  Be with the doctors as the embryos are chosen and thawed.  Keep our little children safe through the process.  We know you are in charge and orchestrating this - from beginning to end.  Help me to trust in you, not in the doctors or the medical process, but in YOU specifically.  That you know what is best for me always and are working for the good of those who love you.  That there is a purpose behind all the suffering and waiting.  And that, no matter what, you are always with us.  But we still ask that you allow for these embryos to implant, be carried safely, and delivered as healthy babies.

Prayer

We are truly blessed to have so many people who are praying for us.  And I have gone my whole life asking people to pray for me, but have never experienced the outpouring of a group of people going out of their way to gather and pray over me.  How sovereign God is to lead us to a church where so many are struggling with the same issues and others are such prayer warriors.  I'd like to say it has alleviated all my worries to know people are praying for us now and for Friday and that God is in control.  And maybe one day I will have the faith to say that...but for now, it definitely helps.

On a lighter note, we discovered this evening after intramuscular shot #3 why they have been so painful.  Apparently, after drawing the progesterone into the syringe, you switch the thick needle for a thinner and sharper one.  Oops.  That explains why I want to scream each time Andrew shot me and why I am hobbling around work.  Tomorrow will be better!

Only one final test stands between us and an absolute confirmation for Friday.  Blood test early tomorrow AM and we will be good to go.  Just praying that the needle size wouldn't matter and that the newest injections are doing all they need to.

One more week

Time could not be going any slower!!  I feel like each day is slowly dragging on, and on, and on.  And yet, here we are, one week away!  I'm trying to fit in as much as I can in these days before I will be on bed rest and then hopefully having to take things a little easier.  At the same time, I'm trying so hard not to get stressed.  Seems a little off...working to not stress??  Let's just say I'm not very good at it.  And so I decided to finally schedule my massage for next week only to learn the number I have for my groupon is out of service.  Bummer.  So to start my relaxation process, I have spent the afternoon lounging by the pool reading a book.  Doesn't get much better than that.

Tomorrow we head back to the doc for one last ultrasound to make sure we are on track for next Friday.  They've not given me any indication that there is a possibility it wouldn't work out, but I'm assuming there has to be or else I wouldn't need to go in.  So one last hurdle and things will officially be a go.

10 days!

We are getting so close!  Only 10 more days!  It's still all feeling a little surreal - hard to believe this moment we've been building toward for 2 years is finally here!  Operation eat healthy officially began yesterday as I am working to make sure I get the correct amount of fruits and veggies throughout the day to prepare myself for what is to come.  By tonight I'll have 4 sticky estrogen patches all over my belly to start building up the hormone levels.  And by Saturday we'll be right back to injections, which I have officially mastered!  Yay for answered prayers and hopeful days :)

Let the countdown begin...

2 weeks!  2 more weeks!  I'm not even sure what emotions are running through my system anymore - faith, hope, excitement, terror, fear, anxiety - just to name a few.  We are so excited that with all the medical complications God has brought us here and carried us through this process so far.  And we are so hopeful for what tomorrow holds (or what 2 weeks from now holds) that you can't really even begin to express it.  Yet there is always a fear of failure, of loss, and of being brokenhearted again.  I'm trying so hard to focus on only the first half of those emotions as the docs have told me I am not allowed to be stressed.  Is that really even possible??

1 Corinthians 12:9 (Thanks Sarah, for the encouragement): But He said to my, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.   As life is going along so easily, verses like this one are hard to understand.  Or easy to look at and say "why sure, that sounds nice." Yet how hard it is to have a "thorn in the flesh" that I can't control the way I want to.  How hard it is to truly rely on God and His grace. Yet it is in our weakness that Christ's power is revealed.  And so we continue to pray, not only for our children and potential pregnancy, but that through all of this God would continue to reveal himself.  And that if we do get the answer to our prayers and have a child (or 2....or 14) that we would not lose focus and forget where we have come from.

AHHH!!!!

AHHH!!!!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it!!  I got a call from the nurse this morning after my very early AM appointment today that everything looked good for me to start the process!  So I start estrogen patches today and we go from there!  AND...they have set a date for the transfer.  June 22!!  So close!  That's not next week but the week after that!  Yipee!!  I had to do a little dance when I got the message while I was standing in my office today - good thing no patients were there at that particular moment but is making things very distracting for the rest of the day.  God is so faithful!

YAY!!!

Let's just say I have never in my life been so excited to start my cycle...or "have my friend come to visit"...or however is the most appropriate way to announce that to the world.  Usually that means it's another month of failure.  This time it means we get to officially start the transfer process!!  I was hoping the horrific cramps were a sign that it was almost time and yep, sure enough.  So I am sitting here waiting to hear back from the doc whether they want me in the office this morning or tomorrow, and then I will know so much more.  What a wonderful answer to prayers!

Menopause week 8: completion!

Well, in the past 2 weeks we have continued to wait.  Yesterday was technically the final day of my menopause, though hot flashes have continued into this morning so it is definitely not the quick switch I was hoping for.  Andrew and I were away in Costa Rica for our 5 year anniversary during my normal weekly update, but there is really no big update to give.  I think mood swings might be settling down, road rage is still in full swing, hot flashes still come and go, and we are still waiting.  As soon as my cycle returns after being dormant and shut down all these weeks, we head back to the doc for labs and ultrasound.  Assuming everything looks good, new hormones start and the transfer occurs ~20 days later.  So possibly in another month??  It's all very exciting.  All this waiting, and we can finally see the end of the tunnel.  Craziness.  Today is another hopefully day, which I can only thank God for.  He has continued to be faithful despite my lack of faith, my frustrations, and my desire to just cut him out of the process so we can move forward a little quicker - cause somehow I think that would actually happen...

I did talk with the doctor yesterday and confirmed we'll be transferring 2 embryo, so I guess now we are praying for twins.  :)  Until then, the waiting continues...

Menopause week 6

Almost done!  I am so excited to only have 2 more weeks of this horrendousness!  Hot flashes have picked back up these few days and I am feeling as crazy as ever, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I will start the process of coming out of menopause 2 weeks from today - with one week of that being our vacation.  I am finally feeling like I can make it!  Soon we will start the waiting process again, and then the transfer will come about another month after that.  Yay!  So now I am trying to start cleaning out the house, going through the closets, and trying to de-clutter the space, and potentially make room for all our 14 children.  Finally having a hopeful day

Mother's Day

Traditionally, Mother's Day is one of the hard ones.  When you wake up in the morning and just want to crawl back under the covers and not even get up.  Today was no different.  I visited with my mom this weekend, which was great - good to see family again.  And I have 2 fantastic, supportive mothers whom I love dearly and am so thankful for.  Unfortunately, that didn't make the day any easier.

We hid out this morning from church - a constant reminder of all women who have healthy babies and are rewarded with flowers for their fertility.  Nope, not going through that again.  So my very sweet husband prepared a short message for us so I could avoid the opportunity of publicly turning into a crazy person.  And he let me be grumpy the first half of our way home, and then bought me a 32 oz slushy.  Adding even more bulge to my ever increasing middle.  Sigh.  So today I am having a little pity party for myself and somewhat mourning all the moments that could have been with our children if they had come in our time.  And tomorrow I am kicking myself out of the slump and starting over positive if the hormones will let me.  Still amazed at just how much a few hormones can affect you...

I had a few people somewhat wish me happy Mother's Day.  And looking at this year compared with last year, we have some hope.  But Andrew told me today he decided not to get me any sort of card so I wouldn't get as attached to the embryo, if that's possible.  And that is our constant reminder.  We have the possibility of healthy babies, but no guarantees.  Not that there is a guarantee once you are actually pregnant, but we know so many who have told us of multiple IVF cycles without actually getting pregnant or carrying a child to term.  And so while I am hoping and praying this is all successful in the end, I can't yet consider myself to be a "mother" in any sense of the word.  But there is hope for next year...

Rage and despair

So it is now official...the hormones have won.  I feel like every moment of these past few days has been spent trying to just keep my head above water.  And I have these wonderful moments, where everything is good and I am at peace, full of hope, and content with my wait.  And then out of no where...WHAM!  I'm not even sure of the triggers anymore, I just morph into this other person.  And I am trying so hard not to let the crazy thoughts take over and not blow up at every person who crosses my path, but I feel myself slowly crumbling. I'm not even sure at this point what I am upset about - is it the waiting? is it the endless stream of women who are getting pregnant without a care in the world? is it all the happy baby pictures? or is it just that I feel God is not hearing me and that I am all alone in this?  I begged Andrew last night to just let me stop this...just let my body rest so I can feel like a normal person who is in control of her own emotions again.  It always seems to be one step forward a two (or 8) steps back, never actually moving forward.  Feeling very discouraged at this particular point in time (but don't worry, an hour ago I was perfectly happy and in another hour...well, who knows??)  Second Lupron shot arrives tomorrow AM, so I get double hormones by the end of the week.  Just praying I can hold it together at this point.

Menopause week 3: waiting

Things are looking up this week.  I finally took the advice of a friend and am now on another hormone (just what my body needs) to try to relieve the hot flashes.  I was up to one every 20 minutes, and now more like one an hour or less so that is fantastic!  Yay for more hormones.  And I have not been feeling as crazy as I thought - minus the road rage which continues to escalate.  I even felt sane enough to rejoin facebook so I could wish my sister happy birthday, see my college roomie's engagement ring, and congratulate a dear friend on the birth of her 2 little twins and see their precious pictures.  During my first episode back, I found only 3 women who were announcing their pregnancy on that front page (bleh) but I didn't want to scream or throw things so I consider it progress.

The waiting has become more challenging than I thought.  It reminds me of waiting for my wedding day.  There was all the stress and excitement at the beginning of the process, then you took all the steps you had to and during that point you could count down to the specific day.  But those last few weeks (or months in our case with our long engagement) were so hard.  I couldn't wait to get married.  And I resented those people who married in the few months before me - they didn't date as long as us, we were engaged first, blah blah blah.  And here I am, with a set date (or a range of dates) for the transfer to occur and I am growing discontent in my waiting.  This is a position I should know well by now, and we are so much further along in the process, but I still hate it.

Our church is going through the story of Samuel and this past Sunday was on Hannah's prayer.  The pastor spoke some on the struggles of infertility and of Hannah's anguish but faith in her situation.  I had to think of how much harder this would be if I had someone in my life rubbing in their fertility.  Though I feel like that is often what happens with Facebook as people brag on their children and post weekly maternity pictures, I do really know that no one is intentionally trying to cause me grief.  No one is telling me over and over again what a failure I am or how I have let Andrew down as a wife as I am unable to bear him children.  And for Hannah to go through that, and do it with such faith, and then give up her first child to the Lord to be raised by someone else...wow.  I can't even imagine.  It was such a horrific thought but a beautiful picture of learning to live by God's strength and not my own.  And I do think I am slowly learning that though it is a very fragile characteristic at this point.

Menopause Week 2: Hot flashes!

So far I'd like to think I'm doing fairly well. Aside from wanting to run over the slow people on the road and bawling for a good hour during Private Practice, my main symptom has been the hot flashes. Andrew would probably say I'm more testy and short tempered, but compared to what I expected this is not so bad. Don't get me wrong, hot flashes are intense. But I've done pretty good throughout the day with maybe 10ish through the work day. Night...that's a complete different story. I've taken to stealing Andrew's side of the bed on those mornings he gets up before me to escape my sweaty sheets. Nastiness.

My peace with waiting has been more intermittent these past few days. I'm not entirely sure why, but God has placed numerous patient's in my life these last 2 weeks who are randomly telling me of their infertility issues and failed attempts at treatment. Not exactly the encouragement I was looking for. I'm not even sure why these conversations are starting and feel as though I am at a loss as to how to respond. I think Andrew and I both thought this would be a sure thing, that out of this whole process we would be guaranteed a child. As of a week ago, everyone I know on a personal level has experienced success. And now, it's more like 50/50. And those odds are scary. And we're right back around to that trust issue.

And so each night we pray for the safety and health of our freezer babies, which feels a little surreal, and that the menopause would continue to dry up all the endometriosis. And we wait. Two weeks down, 7 to go. We are making progress and slowing moving forward!

Menopause Week 1

Well, God's plan (once again) was a little different than mine or my doc's. Back to the doctor on Saturday to pick up and inject the Lupron. What a scary experience after seeing how huge that needle was. I was not prepared for that - thought I had another week before I would be experiencing my first intramuscular injection. Nope. I felt pretty good on Saturday with only minimal nausea following the injection. Sunday was not as great as I experienced my first hot flash. Oh my...I have been thinking that hot flashes would be a minor component of this process. No big deal, so I get a little warm. HA! More like I'm on fire! Whew... But since then I have been fairly good with only slight increased irritation with every minor frustration as the inability to control emotions is starting to creep in, particularly the slow cars on our 2 lane roads. It would be bad to ram right into the back of them, right??

But despite the increased emotion, I am feeling even more at peace with the waiting process. I know there is a potential for a long journey ahead with possible failed transfers, but I have been so encouraged during the past 2 months with how many obstacles the Lord has already been able to overcome. Don't really know what that surprises me - it shouldn't. Yet I find myself surprised each time our prayers are answered. And so we continue praying for our children and this time of waiting and preparing.