Waiting

The week is finally here...by the end of this week we will likely have some news!!  I am always just a little behind with the schedule of things (the one thing my doctor is really lacking is telling me what is coming up next) but I heard a rumor I would know by Friday.  So that is what I am counting on.  Less than one week :)  So I am excited now, crying this morning, and all emotions imaginable in between.  Whew, what a journey this is.  But God knows what He is doing, and what I am supposed to learn, and won't give me more than I can handle.  I say this as I am staring at the Hope bracelet I was given at church this morning, knowing it will stay on my wrist as a constant reminder of putting my hope in the Lord no matter the outcome.

I think our babies are probably some of the most prayed for babies in all of history.  And I love it.  As someone who is only recently beginning to understand prayer and God's power, I think that is such a wonderful thing.  And we are so appreciative of people checking in on us.  It is amazing how God knows exactly when I need some encouragement and right at that moment we get a phone call, text, or email from someone letting us know they are continuing to pray.  So please do continue to pray and know how much that means to us.

Cramps...

So, I was feeling so encouraged, optimistic, and hopeful for the first ~5 days of this very long waiting process.  And then the cramps hit.  I know what cramps mean...I've felt the heartbreak and frustration month after month each time I felt these symptoms.  The doctors say it doesn't mean anything this time - could just be a symptom of all the meds - but I am still very discouraged now.  I realize we don't actually know anything yet and God is in control.  Maybe the waiting is just getting to me.  My nurse called yesterday just to check on me and see how I was holding up.  She was right.  Apparently people fall apart around day 6.  I'm fitting right in! I keep waiting for some sign of pregnancy, but nothing.  I feel no different than last week, except now I have cramps.  And my butt is all bruised from the shots.  No nausea, no breast tenderness, no weird cravings.  Okay, so I realize it is a little unrealistic to expect to feel anything at this point, but still.  Some sign would be fantastic and put my mind at ease.  Though I suppose it wouldn't work on increasing my faith...Oh, is this always going to be so difficult??

:)

Everything went just perfectly on Friday.  We got to REACH, checked in, and got all settled while we waited for all the background stuff to finish.  In the procedure room, they showed us our two tiny little embryo and gave us a printout, which I just couldn't take my eyes off of.  This is just so amazing.  The embryologist said everything looked good - both survived the thaw and had good "cell masses" or something along those lines.  We got to watch as they put the embryo into the tube and then also as they transferred them into me.  Two little tiny specs on that big screen.  And then that was it.  All this build up, all this waiting, all this prayer, and it was over in a matter of seconds once the prep work was done.

And so, for the last 2 days, I have been lying on my back.  Alternating between the bed and the couch.  My excitement yesterday is  when I switched bathrooms to pee in.  Once even went downstairs!  I am not a great relaxer or someone who likes to just lie around, so this is a little frustrating for me...until I think about the why and then it's totally worth it.  Plus, getting all my meals made and brought up to me on a little tray is pretty nice.  Thanking God for a wonderful husband (and future wonderful father) who is taking such good care of me.

Tomorrow

So...tomorrow is the big day!  Can't believe we are here.  I feel like I should have some great insight, but really I am just feeling very drained.  I think too many emotions and too much riding on tomorrow I'm just starting to shut down.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited and grateful for where we are.  There's just a lot of stress and anxiety that comes with this.  Tonight could be the last night before I get pregnant...wow.

Lord, please be with us tomorrow as we undergo our transfer.  Be with the doctors as the embryos are chosen and thawed.  Keep our little children safe through the process.  We know you are in charge and orchestrating this - from beginning to end.  Help me to trust in you, not in the doctors or the medical process, but in YOU specifically.  That you know what is best for me always and are working for the good of those who love you.  That there is a purpose behind all the suffering and waiting.  And that, no matter what, you are always with us.  But we still ask that you allow for these embryos to implant, be carried safely, and delivered as healthy babies.

One more week

Time could not be going any slower!!  I feel like each day is slowly dragging on, and on, and on.  And yet, here we are, one week away!  I'm trying to fit in as much as I can in these days before I will be on bed rest and then hopefully having to take things a little easier.  At the same time, I'm trying so hard not to get stressed.  Seems a little off...working to not stress??  Let's just say I'm not very good at it.  And so I decided to finally schedule my massage for next week only to learn the number I have for my groupon is out of service.  Bummer.  So to start my relaxation process, I have spent the afternoon lounging by the pool reading a book.  Doesn't get much better than that.

Tomorrow we head back to the doc for one last ultrasound to make sure we are on track for next Friday.  They've not given me any indication that there is a possibility it wouldn't work out, but I'm assuming there has to be or else I wouldn't need to go in.  So one last hurdle and things will officially be a go.

10 days!

We are getting so close!  Only 10 more days!  It's still all feeling a little surreal - hard to believe this moment we've been building toward for 2 years is finally here!  Operation eat healthy officially began yesterday as I am working to make sure I get the correct amount of fruits and veggies throughout the day to prepare myself for what is to come.  By tonight I'll have 4 sticky estrogen patches all over my belly to start building up the hormone levels.  And by Saturday we'll be right back to injections, which I have officially mastered!  Yay for answered prayers and hopeful days :)

Let the countdown begin...

2 weeks!  2 more weeks!  I'm not even sure what emotions are running through my system anymore - faith, hope, excitement, terror, fear, anxiety - just to name a few.  We are so excited that with all the medical complications God has brought us here and carried us through this process so far.  And we are so hopeful for what tomorrow holds (or what 2 weeks from now holds) that you can't really even begin to express it.  Yet there is always a fear of failure, of loss, and of being brokenhearted again.  I'm trying so hard to focus on only the first half of those emotions as the docs have told me I am not allowed to be stressed.  Is that really even possible??

1 Corinthians 12:9 (Thanks Sarah, for the encouragement): But He said to my, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.   As life is going along so easily, verses like this one are hard to understand.  Or easy to look at and say "why sure, that sounds nice." Yet how hard it is to have a "thorn in the flesh" that I can't control the way I want to.  How hard it is to truly rely on God and His grace. Yet it is in our weakness that Christ's power is revealed.  And so we continue to pray, not only for our children and potential pregnancy, but that through all of this God would continue to reveal himself.  And that if we do get the answer to our prayers and have a child (or 2....or 14) that we would not lose focus and forget where we have come from.

AHHH!!!!

AHHH!!!!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it!!  I got a call from the nurse this morning after my very early AM appointment today that everything looked good for me to start the process!  So I start estrogen patches today and we go from there!  AND...they have set a date for the transfer.  June 22!!  So close!  That's not next week but the week after that!  Yipee!!  I had to do a little dance when I got the message while I was standing in my office today - good thing no patients were there at that particular moment but is making things very distracting for the rest of the day.  God is so faithful!

YAY!!!

Let's just say I have never in my life been so excited to start my cycle...or "have my friend come to visit"...or however is the most appropriate way to announce that to the world.  Usually that means it's another month of failure.  This time it means we get to officially start the transfer process!!  I was hoping the horrific cramps were a sign that it was almost time and yep, sure enough.  So I am sitting here waiting to hear back from the doc whether they want me in the office this morning or tomorrow, and then I will know so much more.  What a wonderful answer to prayers!

Uncomfortable

For the most part, injections have been getting easier each day. There is still a deep breath required before I pierce through my skin each morning, but I am no longer sitting there willing the myself to just do it already. And I have felt pretty good all week. Nauseous from the antibiotics and exhausted from not sleeping, but overall pretty good. I had the gall to think "I don't know what this doctor is talking about...it's not that uncomfortable. Those other women must be weaker." Right... Or my body was just waiting for today. When it feels like I have been slammed up against a wall. When I think there could surely not be any more room inside of me for anything else to grow. It happened overnight. Went to bed - felt good; woke up - thought I was going to explode. Add to that gallons of water and you get one very uncomfortable person.

As I have begun to get uncomfortable today and I started experiencing some sharp pains, my mind started going straight toward "something must be wrong." The doctor didn't offer much encouragement as he told me it was early in the process to have started the sharper pains. Yet here I am. And one look with the ultrasound confirmed that the endometriosis has run rampant and endometriomas are now on both ovaries. I think his exact words were "your pelvis is a hot mess." And he told me, to decrease my pain, I could lie down flat on my back or take pain pills. Neither of which are exactly an option for the next 5-6 days. Not exactly the words I was hoping to hear. And I left discouraged. And angry. And I instantly wanted to take control back from God. Because, what if God's plan does not include children? Surely I can make this happen with the help of the doctors. And thankfully, and prayerfully, that momentary control issue has passed. At least as I am writing this. Though I am sure that will change again before the end of the day. It is such a learning process.

The nurse called, and everything looks good. My estrogen level was just high enough to be considered "healthy" - whatever that means. And I have ~18 follicles, which is a little lower than what they were hoping for (they look for mid twenties), but still better than anything less than 18. I guess. Trying to find the positives in this overwhelming process as I am lying at home, flat on my back, drinking more water and peeing every 20 minutes.

Success!

This has been one of our more trying weekends. I have gone through huge swings in emotions, expectations, and faith. One minute I am preparing for twins and trying to figure out how we will fit 2 car seats, 2 pack 'n plays, and a double stroller in that trunk (car shopping, another nightmare). The next minute I'm thinking we should just get whatever because we'll never have kids anyway. And back and forth I've gone, all weekend long, from one extreme to another. And Andrew gets caught in the fire, accused of not being supportive enough and not knowing the right thing to say. Though I've had to admit there is no "right" thing, and probably anything, no matter how supportive, would cause him to get in trouble at this point in time.

So I go into today discouraged, overwhelmed, moody, and fat. And I set my alarm super early so I could ready all the injection info and get everything together so I could do my injection at 8. And I get up (deep breath) head downstairs, and lay it all out in front of me. I follow all the steps (26) for the first injection - putting in the cartridge, loading the needle, dialing in the correct dosage, etc. And I look at the needle...1st mistake. It looks sharp and scary. Terrifying, actually. But I know I have to do this since Andrew is gone this week. So I take a seat, pinch the skin, and freeze. 30 minutes! Yes, I sit for 30 minutes before I can finally inject myself "with a dart like motion" and inject the medication. Whew...made it. One injection down, one to go. Today. Then a lot more days to go after that. My goal for the evening shot is to cut that time in half. 15 minutes. Cause by Tuesday I'm going to have to do this between patients so there's no time to get myself pumped and ready to go. But I'm still calling day 1 a success.

The whole 30 minutes of lag time (where I keep saying "ok, I've got this. 1-2-3-go...nothing...) I keep thinking that I just really want to talk to someone who has been through this before. Because, as already established, Andrew is not giving me the right words. And I come upstairs to recover and find, right in my inbox, present the whole time I was sitting downstairs, is an email of encouragement from the one person who I know who has been through this process before. Letting me know she is thinking about me and praying for me. How great is our God? That He would know exactly what I needed at that exact moment and use a beautiful friend to deliver words of encouragement. How incredible. I am surrounded by people who are praying for me and it was such a blessing today to be reminded of that - both in email and at church. And so today I have been much more encouraged and positive that yesterday. And I am somewhat at peace with where we are now. Next injection in 45 minutes...

Overwhelmed

So this is what I arrived home to yesterday. And I have to be honest, I am completely freaking out. As someone who is deathly afraid of needles, this is not a happy picture. It is horrific. All those boxes house needles. And that little red box at the top of the picture is a Sharps container. My very own Sharps container! I don't even know how to begin this process. And they have to be given consistently at the same time, which means I get to do this at work between patients or wake up at 4:30 each morning and do it to myself. And then I have to take the pills...some with food, some 1 hour before food, some 2-3 hours after food. How am I supposed to keep all this straight and work for a living?? Eek for the needles. God is really just shoving me right out of my comfort zone.

These past few days have been more difficult that I expected. And in addition to getting the drugs in and spending hours on the phone with UHC, I am officially beginning my journey into stretchy pants for work tomorrow after having to paperclip together my pants today. Sigh. I think this is the start of officially losing it. With lots more to go. Could use some prayer for my spirit in the upcoming weeks. Because as the excitement is wearing down and reality of what I am about to do and go through sets in, I just want to quit. And cry. And I keep thinking how unfair all this is, and it's like I'm right back where I was a few months ago with my heart.

Trial Transfer

Hormones have continued to build and apparently pushed me over the edge this weekend. In a fit of severe jealous and frustration (and only minimal crying), one too many people announced their pregnancy last week on facebook and I had to deactivate my account. While this is most likely temporary, and I did not spend much time on there anyway, it is a little bit of a relief to know I will not be confronted with yet another pregnant woman sharing her joy through the electronic world.

We had our trial transfer yesterday with only minimal increase in complications. Apparently my "plumbing" (as dad is reading this, that seems most appropriate...) is rather curved and snakes down, up, and down again making the actual transfer a little more risky for the babies. But aside from that, everything looked good for us to start injections next week. And once injections start, it is a quick process. 8-14 days before the retrieval would occur. So the first phase of this process will be done by the end of the month!

The doctor said he is "hitting me hard" with drugs since I am young, but that I would be very uncomfortable and feel the side effects. The nurse, when we had our consult on injections, let me know that I would not only be uncomfortable, but would likely look as though I am 5ish months pregnant by the end of the 2 weeks. Esh. That's going to be easy to hide... Already on my way with the first 6 pounds I've gained. Again, well worth it in the end.

I started reading an excellent book, Hannah's Hope, yesterday. Only 3 chapters in and I am already finding some encouragement. The author, Jennifer Saake, has some interesting insight into some questions I have been asking God myself. She describes her frustration and anger toward women who get pregnant who don't appear to "deserve" this blessing - the unwed teenage mother, the woman who is divorced or had an affair, the woman who is barely holding it together financially with the children she already has. And she says, "while childlessness is a trial for infertile couples and we consider parenthood a great blessing, for others pregnancy might indeed be the trail that God uses to change their hearts." While that is hard for me, because I like to be in control and think that I (of course) know what is best, it is completely up to the Lord when and how he chooses to bless His children.

Saake shares this in the end of one chapter, dedicated toward helping those "Burden Bearers" (Those reading the book to understand how to help/support the infertile in their lives):
"If you were to eat rotten food, you would soon be on your knees from the abdominal pain of food poisoning. As I writhe under the cramping of my soul, it is the bitter cup of affliction and stale bread of adversity that drive me to my knees in anguished prayer. In the midst of my pain, my focus may seem terribly self-centered. Please keep praying for me that I may clearly hear God's still, small voice comforting and guiding me through this process."