As a college student, I watched a handful of Lifetime movies. Guilty pleasure. I'm embarrassed to admit that as so many of them were SO bad...bad acting, ridiculous story-line, and always a cheating/scumbag man. Ahh, back when life was carefree and I had time to waste :) That being said, I was unsure how the Lifetime movie Return to Zero would be. It actually had some well known actors, but you just never know. Regardless, I made Andrew sit down with me last weekend and watch it in its entirety. And we sobbed our way through it.
Return to Zero portrays stillbirth. A topic I've never really seen in TV or on movies, because it just isn't discussed. As I watched Minnie Driver deliver a baby that would never utter a sound, it brought everything flooding back. So many details were spot on - from the panic with the dopplar, denial with the ultrasound, the grey leaf they hang on your door at the hospital, the emptiness that follows. Even the ridiculous comments that were said to make you feel better, but in actuality make you want to scream. It touched on so many of the taboo things one never wants to know until going into it. My heart just broke all over again. I was so very thankful Andrew was there for me to cling to as we watched on.
I learned 2 things from this movie. First, I have pushed so many of my emotions from Reagan aside because of the boys - I had to "be strong for them" as I was told by so many while they were fighting for their lives, inside and outside the womb. I spend the whole time I wasn't pregnant grieving so completely and trying to find a way to just take a step forward. When I started having pregnancy complications, the added "stress" of the grief only made things worse. I had no chose but to put it aside. But that, combined with a complicated, high risk pregnancy, has made it so difficult to truly bond with my boys. I'm not sure how much of that was the pregnancy, the fact I couldn't see them for hours after they were born, couldn't hold them for days, and just stared at their tiny bodies through the isolet. I kept telling myself I wasn't having breakdowns and crying while in the NICU because I was prepared for their NICU journey, but I think some of it was that I just couldn't handle anymore pain or crying, so I pushed my fear for the boys down deep too. And yet, God chose to bless us with them anyway and bring them safely home.
Second, I learned what a profound difference hope in the Lord makes. And that is where our story begins to differ. The husband immediately resorted to drinking and had an affair (wouldn't be a true Lifetime movie without it) Minnie Driver (already forgot her character name) was a shell of the woman she once was after her loss. Now, granted, I was too for a bit. But I live each day knowing with confidence that this is not the end of my story. I know I will see our sweet Reagan again, hold her in my arms, dance with her on streets of gold. There is incredible pain in knowing that I will not do those things here with her, but an eternal perspective helps so very much. If that was the end of things, I had a daughter and she died and was gone, how could I go on? How could anyone?
For anyone who wants to understand a little better the emotional side, how it feels to be handed a child who is not breathing, to take your first family picture and not know what kind of expression should be on your face, to be confronted immediately by others healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, and to not really be able to talk about it - I recommend the movie. It was definitely written by someone who had been through stillbirth. I'm not sure when, or even if, it will air again. But I can post something about it if I see that. I think it's out on DVD too, though I can't imagine Red Box would carry that...
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Mother's Day
As Mother's Day is approaching, I am facing so many mixed emotions. I wanted to try to sort through them all now before the actual weekend so I can try to enjoy some special time with my boys. But I know there will still be this ache, this emptiness, in my heart where Reagan should be. I wonder if I will ever encounter a holiday without that.
Mother's Day has been particularly painful for me over these past 4 years, and I expect the same to be true this year. I don't think living children will take away the years of hurt and frustration over not being able to conceive, over waiting out our time with babies in the freezer, of loss and hardships. The last 3 years I've completely avoided church on this day as it was just entirely too much for me to handle. I think I went 4 years ago but had a breakdown once I got home, and I knew well enough to not go back. The sermon is always about mothers and appreciating our moms. There are flowers handed out to all the mothers, or special thing where all the moms get to stand up, some form of recognition. But what about those who so desperately want to be a mother and can't get pregnant? Or what about those who have children in heaven but not on Earth? That's been me, for 4 long years. And now, as I approach the 5th Mother's Day, I finally have children with me. Someone said I'll be celebrating my "first official Mother's Day." Ouch. So much pain. But we are baptizing Warren and Dean on Sunday, so I will enter church with a smile on my face. I so wish that the baptism date was a separate event, but that is not the case. So I am trying to sort through how I feel and try to be my emotional wreck before Sunday so that this year it can be all about God, Warren, and Dean as they are baptized.
Holidays seem to be particularly lonely. Days when I should be so happy and celebrating something, that's when I miss Reagan the most. Our family isn't complete here and never will be. As we all gather for brunch on Sunday, she won't be there in an adorable, frilly purple dress, laughing and showing off. It just makes my heart ache, physically ache, when I take the time to stop and think about it. And on a day when her hand print art should be hanging right there next to the boys, I feel it even more. I wonder if she knows this, if she thinks of me on Mother's day. Maybe she is creating a stockpile of handmade art for me when I get to join her. Wouldn't that be beautiful??
But this year, I do have something to celebrate. I have my miracle twins. Exactly one year ago, at 19 weeks, I began having contractions and was admitted for the first time to Labor & Delivery. A few days later, I was admitted again and stayed until they were born. And now, they are home with me. Completely healthy, no longer on monitors, no treatments needed. I am also able to reflect on how gracious God is and how He carried them through such a battle, from the very beginning. No doctor thought they would make it. I remember celebrating with the nurses when we reached 23 weeks - viability. And again when we reached 24 - hope. We didn't make it to that 28 week mark for next celebration, but God is bigger than all that. And, at 26 weeks 6 days, they were born. I looked back at their medical records and Warren's APGAR scores were 7 and 9. For anyone who knows medicine or preemies, you know that is just amazing. He came out screaming, with one arm overhead, crying "I did it!!" And from that point on, they have fought with persistence which can only come from above. They learned to breath, to keep their heart rates up, to keep their temperatures regulated, all these little things most moms take for granted. And on Mother's Day, I am extra grateful for them and how far they have come.
As I have been raising them and seeing firsthand the struggles of raising a child, I am also all the more thankful for my own mother. I never realized the sacrifices you make for your children. I always took for granted that my mom stayed home with us, cleaned up after us, cooked for us. I never realized how exhausting that can be. From 6AM until 9PM, I rarely stop. It's feed them, play with them, try to get them to sleep, repeat. And then, if they do sleep, the floors need to be vacuumed, baby food needs to be made, dinner prepped, laundry folded, etc. It never ends. And I have great support from Andrew, so can't imagine what it would be like without him and his willingness to help...whole new appreciation for single moms.
We're celebrating our Mother's Day on Saturday with a trip to the mountains, the last place I took Reagan before complications started. I always think of that trip when I think of her, and I can't wait to show the boys. I hope to put of pictures of that event soon!
Mother's Day has been particularly painful for me over these past 4 years, and I expect the same to be true this year. I don't think living children will take away the years of hurt and frustration over not being able to conceive, over waiting out our time with babies in the freezer, of loss and hardships. The last 3 years I've completely avoided church on this day as it was just entirely too much for me to handle. I think I went 4 years ago but had a breakdown once I got home, and I knew well enough to not go back. The sermon is always about mothers and appreciating our moms. There are flowers handed out to all the mothers, or special thing where all the moms get to stand up, some form of recognition. But what about those who so desperately want to be a mother and can't get pregnant? Or what about those who have children in heaven but not on Earth? That's been me, for 4 long years. And now, as I approach the 5th Mother's Day, I finally have children with me. Someone said I'll be celebrating my "first official Mother's Day." Ouch. So much pain. But we are baptizing Warren and Dean on Sunday, so I will enter church with a smile on my face. I so wish that the baptism date was a separate event, but that is not the case. So I am trying to sort through how I feel and try to be my emotional wreck before Sunday so that this year it can be all about God, Warren, and Dean as they are baptized.
Holidays seem to be particularly lonely. Days when I should be so happy and celebrating something, that's when I miss Reagan the most. Our family isn't complete here and never will be. As we all gather for brunch on Sunday, she won't be there in an adorable, frilly purple dress, laughing and showing off. It just makes my heart ache, physically ache, when I take the time to stop and think about it. And on a day when her hand print art should be hanging right there next to the boys, I feel it even more. I wonder if she knows this, if she thinks of me on Mother's day. Maybe she is creating a stockpile of handmade art for me when I get to join her. Wouldn't that be beautiful??
But this year, I do have something to celebrate. I have my miracle twins. Exactly one year ago, at 19 weeks, I began having contractions and was admitted for the first time to Labor & Delivery. A few days later, I was admitted again and stayed until they were born. And now, they are home with me. Completely healthy, no longer on monitors, no treatments needed. I am also able to reflect on how gracious God is and how He carried them through such a battle, from the very beginning. No doctor thought they would make it. I remember celebrating with the nurses when we reached 23 weeks - viability. And again when we reached 24 - hope. We didn't make it to that 28 week mark for next celebration, but God is bigger than all that. And, at 26 weeks 6 days, they were born. I looked back at their medical records and Warren's APGAR scores were 7 and 9. For anyone who knows medicine or preemies, you know that is just amazing. He came out screaming, with one arm overhead, crying "I did it!!" And from that point on, they have fought with persistence which can only come from above. They learned to breath, to keep their heart rates up, to keep their temperatures regulated, all these little things most moms take for granted. And on Mother's Day, I am extra grateful for them and how far they have come.
As I have been raising them and seeing firsthand the struggles of raising a child, I am also all the more thankful for my own mother. I never realized the sacrifices you make for your children. I always took for granted that my mom stayed home with us, cleaned up after us, cooked for us. I never realized how exhausting that can be. From 6AM until 9PM, I rarely stop. It's feed them, play with them, try to get them to sleep, repeat. And then, if they do sleep, the floors need to be vacuumed, baby food needs to be made, dinner prepped, laundry folded, etc. It never ends. And I have great support from Andrew, so can't imagine what it would be like without him and his willingness to help...whole new appreciation for single moms.
We're celebrating our Mother's Day on Saturday with a trip to the mountains, the last place I took Reagan before complications started. I always think of that trip when I think of her, and I can't wait to show the boys. I hope to put of pictures of that event soon!
Monday, April 21, 2014
Easter
Easter is one of those holidays I didn't think about too much until right before it arrived. It was never heavily celebrated in our household. Good Friday service, Easter Sunday service, lunch...and I just went on with my life. I know that sounds terrible. I knew the significance of Easter, knew the sacrifice Jesus made for me, knew that was the one and only reason I would go to heaven...but Monday was just another day. Really, the Saturday in between was just another day as well.
Having children in heaven makes Easter that much more real to me. I understand better the sacrifice God made by sending His Son to die, knowing the pain He would endure, and allowing it to happen to save a bunch of sinners who deserve nothing. I would never intentionally allow my children to hurt. Sleep training last night, listening to Warren's screams, I sat at the kitchen table and just cried. And I knew he wasn't even in physical pain. So, the sacrifice for God to send Jesus to rescue me takes on a whole new meaning. In the past 2 years I have said goodbye to two children and watched two more fight for their lives. Both processes are incredibly painful. And yet, God chose to do it. For me. Wow.
Easter signifies Christ's triumph over death. "Death has been swallowed up in victory." Because of that, because of Christ's selfless sacrifice, I can rest assured that I will be reunited with Reagan. My sweet daughter is laughing and playing and enjoying her Creator because of Easter. Praise the Lord! And, again I reflect on what a celebration Easter must be in Heaven. Oh, how I can't wait to know!
I still love looking at Reagan's painting, seeing how my mom created her to be so beautiful and happy, capturing everything I ever imagined for her in a single moment. Just beautiful. One of my fellow Hope Mommies shared this with me, and I love it even more as I think about Easter. "They say that time in heaven is compared to a blink of an eye for us on this earth, sometimes, it helps me to think of my daughter running on ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. I imagine her so utterly happy and completely caught up in what she is doing, that by the time she turns around to see if I'm behind her...I will be"
Having children in heaven makes Easter that much more real to me. I understand better the sacrifice God made by sending His Son to die, knowing the pain He would endure, and allowing it to happen to save a bunch of sinners who deserve nothing. I would never intentionally allow my children to hurt. Sleep training last night, listening to Warren's screams, I sat at the kitchen table and just cried. And I knew he wasn't even in physical pain. So, the sacrifice for God to send Jesus to rescue me takes on a whole new meaning. In the past 2 years I have said goodbye to two children and watched two more fight for their lives. Both processes are incredibly painful. And yet, God chose to do it. For me. Wow.
Easter signifies Christ's triumph over death. "Death has been swallowed up in victory." Because of that, because of Christ's selfless sacrifice, I can rest assured that I will be reunited with Reagan. My sweet daughter is laughing and playing and enjoying her Creator because of Easter. Praise the Lord! And, again I reflect on what a celebration Easter must be in Heaven. Oh, how I can't wait to know!
I still love looking at Reagan's painting, seeing how my mom created her to be so beautiful and happy, capturing everything I ever imagined for her in a single moment. Just beautiful. One of my fellow Hope Mommies shared this with me, and I love it even more as I think about Easter. "They say that time in heaven is compared to a blink of an eye for us on this earth, sometimes, it helps me to think of my daughter running on ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. I imagine her so utterly happy and completely caught up in what she is doing, that by the time she turns around to see if I'm behind her...I will be"
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Clemson
To kick off the end of isolation, we took the boys to their very first Clemson game. We did a single tailgate last year which is such a blur now. I think I spent more time trying to feed the boys/pumping in the car than I did actually out at the game. But this time, we explored Clemson a bit. We took the boys downtown to do some window shopping. And, along the way, we ran into Tahj Boyd and Sammy Watkins! They signed our boys jerseys and smiled awkwardly for a picture before getting in trouble for signing merchandise not purchased in the store...oops. But who can resist twins??
Next we walked through campus, across Bowman field, and into the amphitheatre where Andrew officially asked me to be his girlfriend back 11 years ago. Hmmm...that suddenly makes me feel old. They loved it. Warren looked all around, inquisitive and taking it all in. Dean gave big goofy grins. And we received the expected number of "are those twins??" questions. Still not quite sure what to say to that...
Taking in Bowman and watching the frisbee/football games
Family shot in the amphitheater
After all that excitement, we headed into the stadium. Warren was a little terrified and clung to me for dear life. He never cried (except when Grandpa was holding him and yelled at the game...) but we could tell he wasn't super excited about it. Dean, on the other hand, loved every second of the game. His blue eyes sparkled and he laughed the whole time. Such big grins. Overall, they did far better than we ever thought they would. I think we paid for it the next day, though, as we fully expected we would. Still trying to get them back on track now...
Friday, April 11, 2014
Robbed
Today, I am longing for what I have missed. I'm not sure why these recent days have been more difficult...possibly sleep deprivation? Possibly spending more time with some amazing Hope Mommies and sharing Reagan's story? Possibly seeing all the hugely pregnant women on FB and realizing how much my boys missed out on?
Coming home outfits. I have several friends pregnant and due any second now all posting about coming home outfits. Ouch. Reagan had no outfit...her tiny little body was too small for even the little tutu I brought with me to the hospital. Her head didn't fill out the handmade hat. With my boys, we didn't know exactly when they would come home. Dean came home in something semi-cute, but we were so heartbroken at leaving Warren behind it was one of those bittersweet moments. Warren coming home was a complete and utter surprise. I don't even know what he wore home...whatever the nurse decided to put him in that morning I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I was delighted to have him come home a day early. But it was a frantic rush to gather 3 months worth of stuff from our NICU area, put it in bags, and get picked up. No cute little matching smocked outfits as I had once dreamed. And, they came home to a room full of random junk as they had no nursery yet. Never what I dreamed for us and the first children we would get to bring home. Never dreamed that I would even have to clarify that - first children vs. first ones home. Makes me long for heaven and our future so much!
On a positive note, we are headed to Clemson this weekend! That's right, no more isolation. The boys will attend their very first Clemson game since we weren't allowed in crowds this fall. The spring game. Should be so much fun! I am excited to get to take them to downtown Clemson and walk the streets where Andrew and I fell in love. It will also be their very first shopping trip! They've never set foot in single store, restaurant, etc before. I hope to have some great pictures along with reports that they did well with the change in schedule (gulp) for next week!
Coming home outfits. I have several friends pregnant and due any second now all posting about coming home outfits. Ouch. Reagan had no outfit...her tiny little body was too small for even the little tutu I brought with me to the hospital. Her head didn't fill out the handmade hat. With my boys, we didn't know exactly when they would come home. Dean came home in something semi-cute, but we were so heartbroken at leaving Warren behind it was one of those bittersweet moments. Warren coming home was a complete and utter surprise. I don't even know what he wore home...whatever the nurse decided to put him in that morning I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I was delighted to have him come home a day early. But it was a frantic rush to gather 3 months worth of stuff from our NICU area, put it in bags, and get picked up. No cute little matching smocked outfits as I had once dreamed. And, they came home to a room full of random junk as they had no nursery yet. Never what I dreamed for us and the first children we would get to bring home. Never dreamed that I would even have to clarify that - first children vs. first ones home. Makes me long for heaven and our future so much!
On a positive note, we are headed to Clemson this weekend! That's right, no more isolation. The boys will attend their very first Clemson game since we weren't allowed in crowds this fall. The spring game. Should be so much fun! I am excited to get to take them to downtown Clemson and walk the streets where Andrew and I fell in love. It will also be their very first shopping trip! They've never set foot in single store, restaurant, etc before. I hope to have some great pictures along with reports that they did well with the change in schedule (gulp) for next week!
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Wire Free
After more than 9 months of constant monitoring and wires, we are all now officially wire free! Warren has finally graduated from his apnea monitor! I don't think I realized how much time we spent prepping those pads and wrapping the strap around his chest until we didn't have to do it for the first time last night. And we were ready for bed so much faster! Sweet Warren gets to have lotion on his chest for the very first time. And nothing uncomfortable poking him and rubbing him all day and night! Swaddling is easier. I don't have to worry about stepping on the wires or getting them caught in the crib as I lay that sleeping child down to bed. No more "loose lead" alarms in the middle of the night because he wiggles WAY too much for these baby monitors. God is so GOOD! All outward, blaring signs of their preemie-ness is gone as they continue to grow and develop.
If you look closely, guess what you see. Nothing! No wires sticking out of those pants!! Woohoo!!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
April
April 1. The day we've been counting down to is finally here! The end of isolation. That's right. Look out world, here come the Savants!
Maybe... Well, let's face it, things change when you spend 14 months confined to your home or the hospital. And ultimately, I'm a little terrified to bring the boys out in public. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for them to meet people, to take them to church, to bring them to the office. I can't wait for the freedom we're about to have. But...their lungs are still weak. If they catch a respiratory illness, it can still send them right back to the hospital. I shutter when I think of events like church...everyone shaking hands when they get there, sending their germ infested children along after holding their hand walking into the sanctuary, sitting in the service and scratching their faces. And THEN walking up to us, greeting us with a smile, and touching Dean's hand...which immediately goes into his mouth. Uck. The whole "you have to build an immune system by exposing them to germs" thing absolutely does NOT apply to micro preemies with chronic lung disease.
So, how does one communicate this nicely while in public? Please don't touch my child? Put them in a onesie that says "You can look but don't touch"? Or "Share your prayers not your germs"? How do we kindly let people know that the end of isolation doesn't mean our boys can now interact normally with other adults or children?? (Besides blogging about it and hoping everyone who may come in contact with them reads this and understands...subtle, I know) I'm going to have to invest in industrial strength hand sanitizer and just squirt it on people's hands if they come relatively close to us. Any advice/help from you other preemie mamas out there??
That being said, there is so much hope moving forward. We survived our first winter of isolation. The boys can see people who haven't had a flu shot...after they've scrubbed up to their elbows for 1 minute and only have healthy children of course! I am taking them to visit Andrew at his office tomorrow. The boys first trip indoors that is not to a doctor's office! Then, I may stop somewhere on my way home. Who knows, cause I can do that now! How freeing it will be! And yesterday we went for a walk without screaming in the stroller the whole time. Praise the Lord! Baby steps...all about the little things.
So tomorrow we will cautiously reenter society (armed with sanitizing wipes, lysol, hand sanitizer) as the boys visit daddy for the first time.
Maybe... Well, let's face it, things change when you spend 14 months confined to your home or the hospital. And ultimately, I'm a little terrified to bring the boys out in public. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for them to meet people, to take them to church, to bring them to the office. I can't wait for the freedom we're about to have. But...their lungs are still weak. If they catch a respiratory illness, it can still send them right back to the hospital. I shutter when I think of events like church...everyone shaking hands when they get there, sending their germ infested children along after holding their hand walking into the sanctuary, sitting in the service and scratching their faces. And THEN walking up to us, greeting us with a smile, and touching Dean's hand...which immediately goes into his mouth. Uck. The whole "you have to build an immune system by exposing them to germs" thing absolutely does NOT apply to micro preemies with chronic lung disease.
So, how does one communicate this nicely while in public? Please don't touch my child? Put them in a onesie that says "You can look but don't touch"? Or "Share your prayers not your germs"? How do we kindly let people know that the end of isolation doesn't mean our boys can now interact normally with other adults or children?? (Besides blogging about it and hoping everyone who may come in contact with them reads this and understands...subtle, I know) I'm going to have to invest in industrial strength hand sanitizer and just squirt it on people's hands if they come relatively close to us. Any advice/help from you other preemie mamas out there??
That being said, there is so much hope moving forward. We survived our first winter of isolation. The boys can see people who haven't had a flu shot...after they've scrubbed up to their elbows for 1 minute and only have healthy children of course! I am taking them to visit Andrew at his office tomorrow. The boys first trip indoors that is not to a doctor's office! Then, I may stop somewhere on my way home. Who knows, cause I can do that now! How freeing it will be! And yesterday we went for a walk without screaming in the stroller the whole time. Praise the Lord! Baby steps...all about the little things.
So tomorrow we will cautiously reenter society (armed with sanitizing wipes, lysol, hand sanitizer) as the boys visit daddy for the first time.
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