Longing

I miss my daughter so much. Some days it is still so overwhelming. And it doesn't seem to take much to set things off again. Last week I ordered some maternity clothes. I was excited about it - first new clothes I have bought in months! But last time I ordered maternity clothes I only got to wear them for a few weeks, some not at all, and then she was gone. Just like that, no warning whatsoever. And so as soon as I hit the place order button, I regretted it. It was too familiar. And so I broke down. What will I do if these clothes just go into storage as well??

I joined a group, Hope Mommies (would definitely recommend it for any who have suffered a loss), and we are doing a Mother's Day card exchange with another mommy of the group. So this morning I get online to start looking for a card to send this woman, since I still can't go to a store, and no card will ever be right. I'm reading through all these cards and my heart is just breaking with all the words I will never hear from Reagan's tiny little mouth. I thought so many things would help make the pain of losing her less, but it seems to still be just as fresh. And I'll zoom in on the pictures we have of her to try to see her little profile more clearly, try to close my eyes and remember every detail of her face. Oh, how I long to be with my daughter for just a little longer. To hear her laugh. I know I will one day, it is just so hard to wait.

The Glow

For the first time, since July of last year when morning sickness kicked in with Reagan, I am feeling the pregnancy glow. I woke up this morning and so far, no pain. No nausea. No fatigue. So this is what women talk about when they say the honeymoon period?? Looking back, I never had that with Reagan. As soon as I stopped wanting to vomit all day, I could hardly stay awake. And with my endo ripping free, there was considerable pain. It's amazing how when I think of her, I remember this intense love and joy well before the day to day symptoms. But I do remember always waiting for the glow...

And so here I am, sitting (yay!) outside on the front porch on the wicker furniture, feet propped up, drinking some tea and enjoying this gorgeous day. (Watching my poor hubby do all the yard work because I still can't do standing activities...darn) and I am just overcome. I am so thankful for these 2 little boys growing inside of me. I can't believe sometimes how much they have already gone through in their short little lives. And here we are, close to half way there, and they are just kicking away. I am finally accepting we are having boys. We were so excited when we were initially told it would be one of each. That's what I always said I wanted. But I think God knew we needed little boys as we continue to heal from our loss of our precious daughter. Another girl born so closely behind Reagan would only serve to remind us of what we missed even more than things already do. And so I am at peace with the boys, truly at peace and not just telling myself that, for the first time. Another answer to prayer. God has been so good to us during this pregnancy, teaching me things I know I would never have learned had all gone according to plan. Though I would never choose to walk this pregnancy path or wish the complications on anyone else, I am thankful for the time it has given me to prepare my heart for motherhood.

16 weeks and sitting

GREAT news from our appointment this week: I can begin sitting again. Not all day, not if I'm hurting, but being vertical is phenomenal. I forgot how nice it was to sit reclined and eat. And it sure does help with that heartburn. I get fatigued easily and probably haven't lasted even a full hour upright yet, but we are moving in the right direction. Praise God!

Our little boys are doing great, growing equal and having a blast in there. I have started feeling little flutter kicks again, though they are no where near as active as Reagan. Usually all I feel is when they decide to change positions and maybe do a flip in there. Entertaining to watch the mountain that has become my stomach go from a nice mound to a pointed triangle. And some days I would swear if I stared at the belly I could literally watch it grow. I am going to be huge! (Happily so)

This week I have tried my hand at being crafty. I found a great website of crochet patterns nod made these hats:

Boy oh boy

Things pretty much continue as they have been. Still on strict bed rest, still bleeding and in pain, but our little ones continue to grow strong, completely oblivious to the trauma around them. And at the last ultrasound they were measuring almost a week ahead of schedule. Which is wonderful since they'll be born early. The doctor confirmed this week: no meds to prevent clotting in the placenta as originally planned. Because it happened before, our risk of stillbirth doubles. And there is nothing we can do to try to prevent anything. Full trust in God is required. Not so sure I'm getting better at that just yet.

This week it was confirmed we are having 2 boys! I never pictured myself with boys. I know tea parties and dress up, not trucks and...see that, can't even think of what boys play with! I have so much to learn. I will desperately miss not being able to put a frilly pink dress on these babies, but I will love them all the same. Or do love them, so much already. They are getting so big as we watch them grow each week. And last time, "baby a" was getting more active. Little Andrew junior. And since they weren't cooperating for their weekly photo shoot, here's a belly update.

Easter and 5 months

Happy Easter! This is the first year we have truly understood Easter and the sacrifice God made by giving his son. How much he must love us! Because I would never have willingly given Reagan. Never. And I can now understand what it is like to lose a child. How much harder would it be to turn your back on your child, to put the full weight of the world's sin on his shoulders, knowing he would be going to hell?? I can't imagine that part. And for Jesus, to feel the shame and disgrace of every sin committed or going to be committed, to feel complete separation from your Father whom you walked with daily. Wow. Whole new understanding and appreciation this year. Because without this sacrifice, Reagan would not be dancing in heaven.

We were feeling so sad yesterday. Seems to hit with every holiday. As I lay in bed picturing Reagan wearing the most adorable Easter dress and having family dinner after church, I let myself get swept away into the self pity and despair, and sobbed. BUT, this holiday in particular should be a celebration for us. To know we now have eternity with our baby girl waiting for us. Reagan was always perfect in our eyes as she never cried, talked back, lied, etc. But we know she was sinful, even in the womb. And because Jesus died for her and was raised again, we will see her soon! So very thankful. And what kind of wonderful celebration they must be having in Heaven, praising God as they all better understand the sacrifice, as they have seen Jesus and walked with him. Reagan is missing nothing right now. We are, but she is having the most wonderful time. Nothing makes a mommy smile more than knowing that, no matter how painful it all still is.


Rea would have been 5 months today. Happy 5 months, precious girl. Mommy and Daddy love you!

2nd trimester!

Last Friday marked the beginning of the second trimester. With Reagan, the nausea relief hit one week later, so I am counting on feeling better tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed so I can start getting these babies the nutrients they need without wanting to gag.

This week brought more good news from the doctor. The ultrasound shows both babies growing well and measuring ahead of schedule. (They have their daddy's genes;) ). But this week it also showed the clot had shrunk! Less blood in the uterus will also mean less of the irritant that seems to cause me to cramp and contract. Yay! God is answering our prayers. I was discouraged all week because my symptoms seemed to be getting worse, but God was just getting rid of the clot. Which is exactly what we have prayed for. Or at least part of what we've prayed for. And the babies still look healthy, which is the best thing. Whew!

Second trimester is when we were supposed to start some preventative care to prevent another late pregnancy loss. We had a plan. Met with all the specialists before the transfer to map it all out. And now, none of it applies. The complications early have prevented all 3 of the doctors ideas. Yeah, God really wants us to trust him. Cause there is absolutely nothing the doctors can do anymore. And our risk of loss doubles because of Reagan. I'm not even sure what twins does to those odds. But I keep hearing that if it is God's plan for these twins to make it, then the odds are 100%, no matter how it looks on paper. As we pass the 20 week mark, I will need to hear that again.

So at this last ultrasound, we heard for the 3rd time that baby A is a boy. Three different doctors, same results. But this time, baby B appeared to be a boy as well, hmmm.... What on earth would I do with 2 boys?? How scary is that thought? I'll have to learn to play with balls and trucks and such. My personal Barbie and baby doll collection will render itself useless...

Growing!

We finally had good news! After weeks of bleeding and pain, the clot appears to be stabilizing. Praise The Lord!! No increase in clot size in 2 weeks! And the babies are still growing, measuring perfectly.

I have struggled so much over the past 2 weeks with trusting God in all of this. My instincts pull me strongly away, wanting to take control of everything (as if there was a way to do that anyway). I long to have a normal pregnancy, to be able to experience the joy and awe at growing these babies inside of me. I have tried to cling to hope that God has a plan and his plan is best, but that is unbelievably hard. To surrender to that daily. Especially with Reagan and our loss, which we still face on a daily basis.

BUT today, we had good news. God has been answering our prayers over these past 2 weeks despite my worsening symptoms. Babies are growing and the clot is not. Yay! These are going to be our miracle babies :)